Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Shannon Reacts to Fashion

First and foremost, it must NEVER be forgotten: Tights are not now, have never been and shall never be pants.  There are simply no exceptions to this rule.  In most cases, it is highly advisable to think critically before wearing leggings as pants.  Can I see that you’re wearing your Wednesday undies on Saturday?  Not pants.  Can I count the dimples in your butt?  NOT pants.  

Now that we have established that, there are a few recent, and blissfully dwindling, trends that must be addressed before I can move on.  I need closure.  

1.       Native American Inspired Clothing and Jewelry: Do you paint with all the colors of the wind? NO? Then stop dressing like you do.

2.       Chevron:  Gas station logo.  Not fashionable garments.

Regrettably, there are some lingering issues that do not seem to be resolving themselves at this time:

1.       Man buns: I like a pair of man buns as much as the next girl, but a man should not be wearing a bun on his head.  This is not okay, even if Colin Farrell and David Beckham are doing it.  Stop.  Please.  You’re killing my (day) dreams.

2.       Yoga pants with lettering (and rhinestones!) across the ass: I feel as though I should not have to explain why this is not okay, but here we are, living in a world full of vapid teenage girls proudly displaying “Juicy” in bling across their butt cheeks.

3.       High heeled/wedge sneakers: Awful.  Hideous.  Repulsive. Tragic.  A few adjectives that come to mind.  See also: Purposeless. Counterproductive.  Absurd.

4.       Neon colors and color blocking: Ouch my retinas.

5.       Peplum dresses, tops and skirts, oh my!  If I wanted to wear a tutu, I would be a ballerina.  Honestly, unless you are blessed (or cursed, depending on how you feel about it) with a size 00 ass and no hips.

Now, fair readers, do not despair!  There are some wonderful things happening in the fashion world:

1.       The return of (some) 90s fashion.  As previously noted, I do not approve of color blocking, or a few other choice trends that should have been left in the beautiful, musically driven decade of my adolescence, but the fact that combat boots, flower prints, military-style jackets and leather (faux, if you please – animals like to wear their own skin) are all being ENCOURAGED to be worn TOGETHER makes my Jordan Catalano-loving, angst-ridden, Alanis Morissette and Radiohead-listening teenage soul weep with joy.

2.       Boots, boots, boots! As far as the eye can see.  Short ones, tall ones, flats, heels, neutrals, colors, prints, casual, dressy … all in a wide variety of fabrics.  Amazing. I want all the boots.

3.       A nod to the classics.  Classic Jackie. Classic Audrey.  Classic BETTIE PAGE.  The clean lines.  Neutral colors with bits of flair. Everything from demur dresses and pea coats to pin-up pumps and polka dots. 

May 2014 bring us more class, more splashes of retro chic, and fewer incidents of see-through leg wear.  If attempting an outfit with leggings (and I fully encourage you to do responsibly), make sure to check out your butt in the mirror.  You’ll thank me.
And so will everyone else.

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